Been Away For Awhile

I haven't posted since April 11. Not sure what I've been up to about it. Start radiation Monday. 28 treatments, 5 1/2 weeks. Plan to go later in afternoon so I am free for articles for the Globe Gazette and other appointments.

I thought childbirth eliminated modesty. Now, I'm exposed from the waist up for the world to see, incision scar and all.

The "poofs" ride up with the sports bra. And I forgot to call the prosthetics office, as I can now get a prosthesis and a bra for it. Plan to buy a second bra. At home, I frequently remove the "poofs" because they're uncomfortable.

I think my mother is having trouble with depression, and a no-nonsense friend of hers agrees with me. Talked this over with a friend who's a retired psychiatrist. He says one of my main problems is expecting too much of myself. I did tell my mother I think she's depressed, and maybe gave her something to think about. She says she will feel better once I have started radiation. My diagnosis has been hard on her. But she doesn't seem to catch on that it's very hard for me.

This is life-altering, and I can't help but wonder how much time I have left to accomplish something. Not sure what I want to accomplish, but I want my life to count for something, not coming off as a "blob" on earth.

Jessica and Annie keep me going. Have also returned to writing articles for the newspaper. My editor says article for Real Estate Extra is good. I've never done anything like it, so I am glad to hear her report. Have worked up notes for another article and will post it via email tomorrow and get film in

This is a lonely road, even though I have friends and family being very supportive. My mother helps me out financially but, as usual, she's not any help emotionally. Then I feel guilty because of the financial help.

Plan to get credit card bill mostly paid off by December. Will have less to work with next year as MEPD ends when I turn 65 (in December). That means I will be paying the Medicare premium, have a $250 deductible for prescriptions on Plan D, and will be paying for Plan D as well as a Medigap policy. With my health problems, can't afford to be without supplement to Medicare.

Dealing with cancer frequently overwhelms me. So I escape into reading. Fortunately, I also have friends who laugh with me.

Can't think of anything else right now.

A Scary Place To Be

In the last few days, my emotional numbness has worn off and I faced the thought that breast cancer is scary. It definitely is scary. The thought of my own mortality is looming over me. What do I want to do? I want to make some small difference as I go on with my life. It used to be that I wanted to make a big difference, but I got past that a couple of years ago.

The incisions feel funny. Annie says they will feel funny for a year. They are tight and they pull on my chest. Annie told me about an aid I can get at Target that will help the scarring.

I have had the computer on for over an hour trying to get a message screened. I forwarded "Sailor's New Friend" to Mary Ann and Janell. Had to wait until the message was FINALLY screened before I could get onto the Internet.

My friends have helped me through the stage of realizing the danger with my mind, but not letting it get to me emotionally. Now the numbness has worn off, but I am doing ok with it.